Edition 1, Volume 4        

 An Epicurean Society meeting violently ended yesterday after debates over the true meaning of Christmas incited a brawl. Police were called at 12:16 P.M. to quell the violence, which had by that time moved into the hallway. Only one serious injury was reported, 18-year-old Jared La Croix was hospitalized with a fractured skull and cerebral bruising. He is expected to make a full recovery but should be out for this season’s debates, as his brain will not be able to handle the mental demands.

 The fight is believed to have broken out after La Croix laughed at Jacky Chang’s view that Christmas is about lights, presents, and fat men. Arguments for both sides escalated quickly, “Things got out of hand fast” said Mr. Rhoads, “It really jumped up a notch.”

 The only person charged so far is 18-year-old Josh York for assault and battery with a deadly weapon. York allegedly used a History book to knock out several of Mr. Rhoads teeth. More charges are expected to be filed in the case but officials are not releasing any further information.

SAMIR NAVARE MAKES UP NEW COMEBACK

 Last week in the media center Samir Navare made up the greatest new comeback. After being called stupid by Alex Cho, Samir fired back with "Your mom is stupid." Immediately the room was filled with laughter. "I don't know man, it just came out of me like... throw up." Samir said, "It was the most amazing thing anyone has ever said." Mike Mcdonald who witnessed the comeback said "I've never heard anything like that. It was just so..so.. good." Alex refused to comment but many expect him to go home and contemplate all the things that would have been perfect to say at that moment.

EDWARDS BREAKS KNUCKLE IN SECRET HAND DAP

 Last Wednesday afternoon after a routine tire inspection, Spanish teacher Mr. Edwards, stopped to give a secret hand dap (that's the punch handshake if you don't know) to one of his cronies who was driving away. Not calculating the speed of the cronie mobile Edwards made full fist contact, breaking his middle knuckle. “Man, 25 mph didn’t seem that fast. I just didn’t see it coming, all I was thinking about was the friendship. We’ve been dappin’ for years, but I guess it will just have to end.” Edwards said, “It really reminds me of my love life. I just never see it coming. Its like were doing great and then wham you’ve got a broken knuckle.” Doctors at the local pediatric center said that the knuckle should heal up in about 2 months, but as for that dating life it may never heal.

IS A HUG JUST A HUG?

 Friendly greetings go back to the dawn of time. In Europe, hairy legged men and women greet each other with an airy peck on the cheek. In some countries, they even peck on both cheeks. While people of areas several thousand miles East greet one another with a tight clenched bow. Here at Dominion, greetings come in all shapes and sizes. For some, the secret handshake, affirming the loyalty to one clique or the other; while for others, a simple head spasm or “dap” will do the trick. However, the most common, albeit prohibited, form of greeting at DCHS is the hug. At first glance, the hug might seem simple. However, even the slightest variation of pressure and posture tells of the huggers intentions. For those of you unaware of the complexities of hugs and their meanings, we here at the UK want to educate you for your own protection.

 SIDE HUG- this hug is for virtual strangers and people who have little experience with human contact. This hug also serves to discourage any unwanted affection from admirers (aka the safe hug).

 FULL FRONTAL HUG-this is either the very close friends hug, the boy/girlfriend hug, or the guy you never want to hug again hug. Can be a very good or very bad hug.

 LINGERING SIDE HUG- this is the hug for someone trying to transition to one of the front hugs. It is usually uncomfortable for the hugee. This can also be the “big brother” hug followed by a couple of shrug squeezes and nuggie.

 TILTING SIDE HUG-this is also a defense against the lingering side hug. Usually the tilter is trying to avoid an uncomfortable miscommunication of body language.

 FRONT DISTANCE HUG-this is the girl-girl front hug. The only parts of the body touching are the arms and maybe the shoulders. Can be combined with wispy cheek kisses.

 BACK TAPPER HUG-this is the full frontal hug with a slight linger. The linger needs some distraction…thus, the tap.

 Manly handshake becomes manly hug hug-this is the hug for thug. Its masculine. Its cool. You can’t go wrong. Especially for those whose hats are on backwards.

 Backdoor hug-aka the Sneak attack; this hug is best for special occasion. Best if used when giving one single rose over the shoulder.

 The Bear hug-The may as well be a tackle. Best if used with the sneak attack. This is the side hugger’s worst nightmare.

 Cheek to cheek hug-this is the result of two front huggers looking the same way at the same time and end up in a very awkward situation.

 Unbalanced hug-side hugger meets full frontal hugger and a series of bobs and weaves gives way to a very quick and uncomfortable huggette.

 Now that you have been informed, the next hug you get, look into that hugger’s eyes and determine what she is communicating with that body language. If you don’t like what you see, just say no to hugs. If you do, keep on huggin.

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

We here at the UK know how yall love to make your teachers feel loved and appreciated. So we took the liberty of putting together a teacher Christmas wish list. Bahumbug you say? Just remember teachers aren't above bribes so catch some Christmas spirit and you too can finally pass that class! 

Mr. Rhoads 
1. A high definition TV and HBO 
2. The new D4L cd 
3. The Fashion Book 
4. New shoes 
5. A subscription to Time Magazine 

Mr. Ross 
1. Marriage for Dummies 
2. Stress Balls 
3. Shock Collars for students 
4. To not be I.D.’d at R rated movies 
5. Aroma Therapy 

Mr. Morecraft 
1. A spark notes account 
2. A real truck 
3. Ebonics Shakespeare 
4. The O.C. on DVD 
5. A larger ego

Mrs. Dewhurst

1. Time Machine
2. Lock of Churchill’s hair
3. Puzzle of Mr. Edwards
4. Cat exterminator
5. A real guillotine

Coach Isaac

1. Skill in something other than a jumpshot.
2. Ballerina Lessons
3. VIP pass to Club Chocolate
4. To touch Vince Young
5. More Muscles

Mr. Lightner

1. A Stool
2. Phone book (for car seat)
3. Some Beer
4. A son
5. A personal barista

NEWS BRIEFS

Alex Russ-Stefancic withdraws from DCHS: Russ-Stefancic withdrew from Dominion yesterday afternoon to pay off massive debts incurred by tickets purchased for Andrew Swearengen in the recent Sharpening Iron Fundraiser. No word yet on how this affects her plans to attend Texas A&M.

We will post fan mail and hate mail in the next edition

The editors of the UK were too tired at the end of the quarter studying for tests and going to volleyball games, soccer playoffs and cross country meets to complete this edition on time, so we would like to hear from our readers.  Submit your additions to the lists below and we will post our favorite responses.

**********************************************************

TOP 10 REASONS WHY PEOPLE HATE THE UNDERGROUND KNIGHTLY

1.    “I wasn’t cool enough to be asked to do it” With all of our contributing editors, we just don’t have room for everyone.  Plus, we don’t like you anyway.

2.    “I don’t get most of the jokes” I’m sorry that you have the IQ of a bag of hammers, but we weren’t the ones who told your dad to marry his sister.

3.    “There’s way too much reading involved” You’re an idiot, I’m sorry.

4.    “There just aren’t enough pictures of hott chicks” Many of you have requested some photos, so why don’t you send in some and we will post them.

5.    “It’s not fair the UK xanga gets more comments than my posts about my favorite movie and boyfriend troubles!”  Are you really surprised? Your life may just be as exciting as watching fishing on TV.

6.    “I didn’t make the real superlative list OR the U.K. senior superlative list” Well have you ever thought that maybe there’s nothing “super” or “lative” about yourself?

7.    “Stupid Mr. Lightner has blocked xanga on school computers” Don’t worry, you can still play solitaire and minesweeper.

8.    “I totally know who it is… I think”              

You think you know but you have no idea.

9.     

10.  

**********************************************************

TOP 10 REASONS WHY PEOPLE LOVE THE UNDERGROUND KNIGHTLY

1.      “I don’t have to read more stupid xanga whinings about people’s horrible / depressing / boring / stupid day” You’re right, we are like a spot of sunlight on a rainy day.

2.      “Anything that makes fun of someone is funny” We know, that’s why we do it. By the way, you’re breath smells like feet.

3.      “They use short words that I can understand without Jacky explaining them to me” We glad. You happy. Send Money.

4.      “I get enough boring stuff in my regular classes (except in coach Hughes class)” We are a little concerned about what goes on out in the cabin.  We are considering some investigative journalism into the issue.

5.       

6.       

7.       

8.       

9.       

10.       

**********************************************************

PINE STRAW SUSPICIONS ARISE: Class Reps are demanding an investigation into pine straw prices after thousands of students called a student government hotline to complain of price gouging.

"In the log cabin, prices are reported to have shot up 50 cents per bale overnight and the school treasurer received more than 500 reports of price gouging," claim nine Democratic members of the Administration in a letter to the Student Government Association, asking the agency to step up its review of pine straw markets.

"These increases go far beyond anything justified or relating to the market disruptions caused by Hurricane Katrina," wrote Teacher Kevin Rhoads, the administration's ranking Democrat.

Meanwhile, Representatives from a number of classes held a telephone strategy session to discuss the rapidly escalating straw prices and possible investigations into the gouging fiasco. Prosecution for price gouging is generally a Class matter unless it involves some form of collusion or other activity in violation of federal antitrust laws.

On Thursday, Class Rep. Kurt Miller of the Sophomores initiated a private telephone conference with a number of his colleagues from others classes to discuss strategy in response to the rising straw prices and reports of huge overnight spikes by some pine straw retailers. No details about the private discussion were available at press time.

"It really is alarming," said Mrs. Novak, a concerned Dominion parent. "When I bought my little Nick the My Chemical Romance CD, I never thought that it was going to make him so emotional. I'm really afraid of what this could open him up to." The CDMC warned that if this trend continues it might lead to an increase in drama among high school students. "How much longer will this go on? If something is not done about this talentless music genre our youth will be held captive forever in a world of wussy-boy lyrics and twinkly guitar lines," Taylor said, "The sooner we can get our students listening to musicians that have talent the sooner we will have a stable student body."

FOUND: One Teenage Personality.  If you think you may be missing yours, try to make a joke or show some empathy, if you can’t, there’s a good chance this personality could be yours.

MISSING: Overpriced Pair of Chanel Sunglasses. Although they are made of cheap plastic, they have sentimental value and make me feel better about myself.

MISSING: Several Bites of a Ham Sandwich. This was a seriously great sandwich.  I had the perfect mustard and cheese ratio and the crusts were already cut off. Please let me know ASAP.

FOUND: Cross Country Cult Handbook.  This publication holds explanations of all the strange rituals and codes used by the strange and often misunderstood club.

contact the front office for more information

Dear Fashionista:

I’m having a hard time attracting the attention of boys here at dominion. They all just seem to be concerned with inner beauty and intelligence.  Gosh, that’s such a high standard!  I really need help Fashionista what should I do?
Help me,

Shallow Brunette

Well Shallow Brunette,

if there’s one thing I understand its men, and I know that men love stupid women. They all say they want intelligence but they’re liars. All a man really wants is high heels and fish nets. High heels are totally in this semester, but don’t forget your accessories! Men love accessories at least 6 earrings in each ear such do the trick but if that doesn’t work go for the hot car approach. Men love cars more than women it’s a fact. So having a nice car will really score you some points. If they still don’t notice you try running down the halls screaming. And if you get really desperate try crying uncontrollably. Men love emotional women.

Best of luck!!                      

Fashionista

LOW Q TEAM TO BEGIN TRYOUTS NEXT WEEK: For more information, be sure to pick up an interest packet from Coach Cleland, or see team captains: Jordan Davis and any basketball player.

Pocket Guide to DCHS couples:  Some of you may not be aware of the many couples that have begun to look deeply into each others eyes and linger longer in the lobby after the late bell. This guide has been created to help you distinguish between the lovebirds.